Male, Heterosexual and White

by Peter Croft

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about

This one goes out to all my homies within marginalised minority groups. We'll get you your rights one day =p

lyrics

I don't have boobs
When I was born I never got to choose
I put all I had on the
Genetic lottery and I think I losed

All my days
I always struggled to get laid
but if I could make up for my ugliness
with excessive sluttiness
that would be okay

on hot summer days
I could wear a skirt without seeming scottish or gay
and I think it would be the best if
I could cross my shaven legs with
nothig in the way

Oh I'd still have issues
you don't get through this life without a box of tissues
but I think limitless orgasms
might be a nice distraction, don't you?

But no matter how hard I try
I'll always definitely be a guy
I swear I'll never be satisfied
the chromosomes I own are X and Y
So I'll drink to the life that I'll never have
once I polish off this bottle I won't remember jack
shit and that's the way I like it
please someone help me to forget
All I am is a man.

I don't suck dicks
If I tried I'm sure I'd do a shitty job of it
because I simply don't want it
but if I could choose to be a bender
well a then-a to be honest I would as
I think it's understood that
dealing with the feelings of girls aint what I'm good at
but if I could take a walk on the fruity side of life
I'd share blowjobs and beers with a straight talking gay guy
like me that would literally be fucking awesome
I'd always be in love with what we had in common
sorry ladies it don't matter how much you want 'em
I aint a girl myself but I can still put a ring on him
and on my wedding night my love and I would act out a consumation
get a better use out of my black belt in masterbation
the best part is there'd be PMS or ovulation
we'd be giving and receiving every evening with no reservations

But no matter how hard I try
I'll always be a heterosexual guy
my ass will never be occupied
the only cock I've ever copped a feel of is mine
and so I'll drink to the life that I'll never have
once I polish off this bottle I won't remember jack
shit and that's the way I like it
please someone help me to forget
all I am is a man

I'm quite white
I say that for the sake all those here tonight who are blind
it's the race that I was assigned
but I don't like it no, y'know I really wouldn't mind
being black and proud, or at least a shade of brown
extracted from an asian nation no caucasians to be found
at all, this appalling thought that keeps me up at night
I want to be Jay-Z but I was born Vanilla Ice
All my people have ever done is be history's dickheads
we'll take your land and women; give you syphilis instead
the worst part is we never satisfy in bed
thanks to my whitebread genetics I'm the size of a pinhead
I'm cool but I'll never be an "ice cold killa"
Everybody loves chocolate; no one likes vanilla
and it's not just ice cream, I mean I have to consider
when I rap along to certain songs I can't say...

The n word

yeahhhhhhh

'Cause no matter how hard I try
I'll always be male, heterosexual and white
I'm a walking stereotype
you know I couldn't dance to save my own life
and now I'll drink to the life that I'll never have
once I polish off this bottle I won't remember jack
shit and that's the way I like it
please someone help me to forget
all I am is a man.

No matter how long I live in my life
No one's going to try and take my human rights
When I go through airport security
Everyone gets "randomly searched" except for me
When I meet the love of my life there will be no conditions
I can marry her without requesting special permission
When I earn a dollar, a doller's what I get
Why do I get a dollar instead of seventy cents?
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, oh let me tell you why...

'cause no matter how hard I try
I'll always be male heterosexual and white
statistically I had the best start in life
and it's fucked 'cause there's nothing I can do to make it right
and now I'll drink to the privilege that you're gonna have
once we take over the world we'll raise a rainbow flag
above it and everybody's gonna love it
please none of you ever forget

that we will all be friends
the struggle will end
all that depends
on the heterosexual, ignorant, prejudiced, racist
white man.

credits

released September 18, 2015
Everything by me
All rights but not all dignities reserved

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all rights reserved

about

Peter Croft Dunedin, New Zealand

Peter Croft has been writing songs for the better part of 5 years. He now plays the funnier ones in the cardigan his mother knitted him with his trusty friend/electric piano, Casio. Based in Dunedin, he is one of New Zealand's funniest comedic singer/songwriters... probably. Not as good as Flight of the Choncords, though. He spends his spare time wallowing in crippling debt and drinking. ... more

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